My Grown-Up Christmas Wish

Last night I had the Christmas dream again.

What woman doesn’t have an ideal Christmas vision with the house decorated beautifully, dozens of different kinds of cookies baked, fudge and divinity in pretty crystal dishes everywhere, and loads of gifts wrapped with coordinating paper under a massive nostalgic, overly lit up, yet oh-so-tasteful Christmas tree. Well behaved, well-dressed smiling family waiting on the couch for the perfect photo for the card. Am I letting my analyst side take over again?

Truly when I was a young mom I did have a dream about once a month without fail. Always, in the dream it was a couple of days before Christmas or Christmas Eve. I was usually crying, having realized that I had let it slip up on me once again. I was distressed because the tree was never decorated and I didn’t have gifts for everyone. But the real heartache lay in the sense that I had somehow failed to enjoy it. The season was already almost over and I had somehow come up short. And I would have to wait another whole year. I would wake up with a heavy heart and the sense that I had once again missed the boat somehow, even if it was mid-April or July.

In reality as I got older, I got better at the game. I was more organized. It was still stressful, but I was getting it done. The kids seemed happy with Christmas and, though I never seemed to have time enough to do everything I needed/wanted to do and just “enjoy”, my efforts succeeded. And the dream, while still disturbing, occurred less and less frequently. But, more important, when I did dream it, I woke up less sick at heart. I was somehow achieving what I needed to.

I never stopped to think about why I was having it. It seemed obvious to me that I had somehow put way too much pressure on myself to achieve this holiday perfection that was impossible to accomplish. I just figured I was doing it better somehow. The dream disappeared about ten years ago and I wasn’t sorry to see it leave.

So when I woke up this morning, heavy-hearted more that the dream was back than from the content, I began to try to figure out why. There were all the obvious reasons. The weather was cool and gray. I had been listening to my usual November Christmas carols and getting daily updates from ABC Family’s 25 Days of Christmas on Facebook.

I tried to remember the essence. The decorations were a piece of it but they didn’t seem that important. The overriding concern was that it was late on Christmas Eve, I couldn’t do any shopping and I had nothing to give my family.

Is it possible that it can be that obvious? That I honestly don’t believe I have anything left to give my children and my grandchildren? I don’t for a minute think that is so. I wonder if it’s not about the fact that I’m feeling the need to pass along more meaningful gifts – lasting gifts. I offered them my best – my faith – from the time they were small. But is there some other something that I need to give?

Ironically, it’s November 4th. I still have more than enough time to prepare. My hope – my wish – is that I can figure out what it is that I’m feeling the need to give and, more importantly, that I will have the courage to give it.

Watch out kids. It may not be a Wii Christmas. Sorry Steve, the Golf Warehouse may take me off their catalog list. Can I somehow wrap up peace, joy, humility, love, gentleness – some gift that keeps on giving? Then maybe this dream will have spoken to me for the last time.