Futility Is Useless

I know of futility. According to the Random House Dictionary, it’s “the quality of being futile; ineffectiveness; uselessness.” American Heritage adds even more weight with “the quality of having no useful result, lack of importance of purpose.” I’m not preaching today. I’m trying to work out some issues in a public place. If you want to hang in, better grab a flyswatter.

As so often happens, I’m finding several sources combining to give me a message this week. You know how you study something in Sunday school and then the pastor preaches about it? Yeah, it’s like that. I’m preparing to lead a Bible study by Jennifer Rothschild called “Me, Myself & Lies”.

The lesson I was studying yesterday talks about “fact labels”. Some of the labels we give ourselves are subjective and may be true or not, e.g. friendly, funny, unlikable, popular, depending on who’s applying them. But we also have fact labels that are as they are and will probably not change, e.g. mom, daughter, senior, retired. It’s those last two that have been giving me fits over the past year and a few months. You see, even though they are facts, how we interpret them and apply them to our attitudes can change the way we face day-to-day life.

As most of you know (and many of you probably wish I’d finally be quiet about), I’ve struggled with layers of depression during this time. And if there was one word that I would apply, it would be “futility”. I don’t think I recognized that until recently. All I know is I worked and studied and worked some more, all the while feeling useless and without purpose. And I saw that also as laziness.

So yesterday afternoon, my lazy self is sitting down to study my Sunday school lesson. It’s about acting on faith and I’m planning to cruise right through since I know so much about faith, right? Yeah. God is so very patient with me. This week’s lesson was actually about acting on faith.

I’m “acting” in several ways. After much prayer, I have felt God’s leading in several areas including leading Bible studies and starting a mentoring ministry. I believe those are in His will for me and I am excited to do them. So why was I still feeling useless and lazy?

The lesson referred to Psalms 78:12-39 and discussed how the Lord had led the Israelites out of Egypt and rained down miracle after miracle on them to provide for their needs, often in response to their complaints. Finally “the wrath of God came against them, and slew the stoutest of them, and struck down the choice men of Israel (v. 31).” And still they sinned and did not believe.

Then I read verse 33 and God pulled out His highlighter and showed it to me again, big-time. “Therefore their days He consumed in futility, and their years in fear.” I wouldn’t say I have lived my last year in fear, but there has definitely been an element of hopelessness there. In this beautiful place, with these sweet and wonderful people, how is that even possible?

God has dealt with me over the last two days with that verse alone. Because you see, there is an element in my life where I have refused to believe Him. I say He wants me to write, He has even given me writing, and yet I have not moved forward in this area. The author of our study book talked about a decision she and her husband could not seem to make even though they had prayed over it for a while. They finally realized that God was asking them to step out in faith. I believe that is what He is asking of me.

I don’t know yet what that looks like. Perhaps I will push to get the things I have written published or perhaps I will get back into a project or two. I just know He intends for me to show Him that I believe He will deliver what I need to do this.

And just for my added amusement (I so love God’s sense of humor), I woke up yesterday morning with a crick in my neck, a slight twinge that worsened as the day progressed. By this morning, it was sore to the point that I could barely turn my head to the right. You guessed it. I had literally become a stiff-necked person.